I decided to go straight to the text editor today. I figured it would be the only way I'll ever share anything I have to say-in writing. I journal regularly though, noting the time down to the minute, and recently, adding in the location too, with hopes to one day have a variety of places along with the entries on a given day.
It is time to change things up - as I sit on tens of thousands of words in the form of potential blogs, old posts that need re-working, and pages of my thoughts and feelings listed as ideas that maybe some day will be shared.
I was reflecting on a time one of my friends commented that she doesn't understand the point of journaling. I was triggered and even told her it was insulting - reminding her she came over unannounced during my morning coffee and journal time. I later realized I came off a little harsh and that she did have a point.
Journaling has played its part in my life for sure. It is a great tool for self-reflection and analyzing my life. But lately, I’ve felt an internal shift, and I know it's time to share some of my work, if not for anyone, at least for myself. Besides, it's much easier to let others know you're busy writing if you actually have a body of work to reference, not piles of old journals and saved documents.
My plan was to review and edit all of my old work and post them to my new site.
The one I am still working on.
The one that I started and hoped to finish last summer.
Learning code takes longer than I expected, but I did it. I completed the entire curriculum for freeCodeCamp's Responsive Web design course, everything except taking the final test to get my certificate.
It wasn't the certificate I was after - I do not see myself coding other people's websites. There are plenty of more qualified individuals, and now, AI to do that. Learning to code was all for me. I wanted to tweak the site builder templates too much, and it got frustrating not knowing exactly what I am doing, which led to me giving up when something broke.
I was always the type of student who asked a lot of questions, particularly while I was in my Air Force tech school, which drove the instructor mad. I wanted the explanation of why things do what they do, not just because that’s what they do. I am detail oriented, but I am learning to draw the line between what needs to be perfected, and what doesn't. I've learned to seek out my own understanding of things and feel confident enough to share my findings.
So, I am taking a new approach, starting from scratch and sharing parts of my life with—whoever wants to listen, or read. Sharing my experiences is part of who I am. My world can be heavy and I think there are some real topics worth discussing, so I will continue to refine my work and share my insight on my blogs. You should know I don't live in doom and gloom, and I get giddy over the simple things in life too.
Like, you should know I started making my own sourdough bread. I’m no homemaker, but seriously, with some flour, salt, and water, I can make fresh, delicious bread! For years I wanted to learn, and the Universe aligned me with someone who had a 30-year-old starter to share! Now I've made different breads and blueberry muffins from scratch and those are things worth bragging about!
I may not have a full-fledged cooking blog, but sharing recipes and my love of food has been part of my expression for years now on my Instagram stories. I attribute that to my Venus in Cancer in the 10th house, and that's another topic I like sharing.
I used social media for a lot of my activity, but I deleted my Tik Tok and Instagram Apps before the new year. I didn't delete my accounts, but I decided to give them a rest for a while. Part of posting on social media comes with the engagement and I needed to focus my energy on other things - like this website for example. I do enjoy social media, (and here now in April I have reinstalled my apps), but letting an entire day get scrolled away with nothing to show is the quickest way to spiral into a bout of depression for me.
I needed to find my flow again, one that works for me. A daily ritual I can count on as a way to express myself. Something to let my soul know, it matters. My life matters enough to write about – even if nobody reads it. I don't have the perfect routine down, and it's quite possible I never will, but I have reprioritized how I spend my energy.
I've spent many years with projects on the back burner, forgotten. Some with hopes to come back to, and others seem to have just lost their spark completely. If you know me, then you may know that aside from my art, self-development became my primary focus. The two are intertwined. One of the topics I've discussed in previous blogs was how my interest in acting lead me on a path to self-discovery. I’ll probably revisit that blog and put it up too.
When I was younger, there was this dream that one day, I'd be successful. One day, I will have accomplished something to be proud about. Well, I hit 40 last year, and I'm not the person I once dreamed of becoming. The idea I had in my mind of what it would look like to have made my dreams come true has dissolved into reality. I live it every day, but I have had some incredible experiences that shaped me into someone I never thought I could be.
And even though I didn't become the character in this vision of success I had, I'm pretty happy with who I am. I've learned to accept my flaws and no longer pretend that one day they will fade, leaving a different version of myself worthy of success.
I am okay where I am at right now. There are things that I still want, but it doesn't mean that who I am is not worth sharing. My life feels richer when I connect with people. This is me, sharing a little bit of my world with you—starting from where I am.