As I began writing this last night, I started by saying that Astrology makes me mad. It's not actually the astrology that upsets me though, it's the thoughts I have around it. It has more to do with what I hear from astrologers and how I internalize it.
The only thing that ever brings me down is my thoughts. Whether it's an event I let circle in my mind or my imagination getting the best of me, for better or worse, reality is often determined by my beliefs.
An elder wise woman who had practiced astrology over 30 years gave me a reading once. I was working with her on a project and knowing we both had an interest in astrology we looked at each other's charts. She told me it was my choice to struggle financially, among other uncomfortable truths. A few of them stuck, still haunting my mind as I wrestle with their validity.
She asked what I thought the purpose of life was. I said I thought it was for people to find their joy, figure out what makes them happy and live it. I hadn't given too much thought because I always believed life should be fun and enjoyable, never letting the burden of responsibility weigh on me for long.
"Not everyone" she said sternly.
Does that mean that some people are meant to be miserable and suffer—I silently questioned. Finding my joy, figuring out what makes me happy, and what doesn't, has surely been part of my journey. The way I understood though kept me in a loop, never fully stepping into any of the dreams I once had.
I began to wonder if the old saying, 'those who can't do, teach,' would become my motto for life, which no creative type wants to hear. There is plenty that I still want to do. I wondered if I would be limited, because I could certainly do well in teaching, I discovered.
But that is just another example of how external influences can determine our beliefs, if we allow. It took some time, but I realized there is a difference between chasing joy each day and creating a life that brings you joy...
One of the last things the wise woman told me was "Only time will tell who or what you are."
That “what” part hit me as I reflect on the things she said to me that day. I am often in my own world—observing, not participating. I wonder if the compassion I used to be filled with got lost somewhere in the repeated cycles of being vulnerable, getting hurt, and closing off.
Or perhaps I confuse compassion with something else entirely—something more self-serving. I think back to a psychology class in college where we discussed the possibility that helping others may never be entirely separate from helping ourselves. That idea still lingers, and it’s another one I could get lost in thinking about.
What I do know is that I can feel other people’s pain, and it hurts. I don’t want others to hurt, and I don’t want to hurt either. The desire to save others can be so strong it makes you forget about yourself. At some point, you learn about discernment and to keep your emotions from becoming too intertwined with others.
Even when it comes to helping those in need, I started to see how I’m not that different from them, despite what societal standards might suggest. My actions, or even my inaction, can come across as cold to those who can’t see my heart and don't know my past.
The distance from people gets lonely, but it feels safe—even though we’re meant to be communal. I enjoy conversing with people though, I'm not one to be shy—unless I'm in a mood. I find being around people often provides that spark that calls me to interact with life.
I've found it's much easier to keep it light, despite my desire to dig. Conversations feel like wading at the shore—you can only go so far before something stops you, like a quiet signal to stay out of the deep end. It is very Libra rising of me.
When people say they don't believe in astrology, I sometimes wish I could join them. I wish I could make up my own rules about myself —decide who I want to be, and what I want my life to look like.
And there are times I do.
I dream up a fantasy and believe it to the point I take action. I make a post, I share my idea, or apply for that job I just know I would be great at...
Then reality hits me. People don't understand, or they're not on board. My resume wasn't good enough. The world I live in is not conducive to such a wild imagination. It doesn't support my plan.
That's the disillusionment my Neptune placement gives me along with a harsh square to my real-world Saturn.
Life is happening whether we're paying attention or not. The tendency to identify patterns, make meaning, assign labels, and observe the world around us is human. Astrology is one of the many systems that helps us organize that.
I joke that I have a love/hate relationship with Astrology. It's helped me on my personal growth journey —or has it?—sometimes I wonder. In the beginning, it was about becoming better than I was. Then, there was the phase of believing that because I've done my 'work' I was somehow better. But life will knock you off your spiritual high horse, leaving you smack down on the 3D Earth.
We're not better than the others who don't seek out spiritual growth and self-improvement. It's a path to take, a choice, among many. Life takes shape by what we put energy into, not what we hope will come of it. I used Astrology to develop self-awareness. Spending time trying to be a better version of myself meant less time interacting with the world around me. It meant more time trying to improve myself, rather than learning to accept myself complete with flaws that I could never change anyway.
We have influence on life as it manifests, but only to an extent. One of the lessons I've learned is that we cannot manifest our own will against a collective consciousness. And as one of my favorite Astrologers, Molly McCord reminds me, we cannot get ahead of our transits.
I find the metaphysical world fascinating, but infinite—pulling me in with no finality to let go. Once a tool I used for reflection and guidance towards my future, remains a tool I reflect on often, but now with understanding and acceptance. I've become more self-reliant in making my own type of predictions, rather than leaning on others' forecasts, using upcoming transits for planning, and past transits as reflection, while leaving the current transits as observations.
I think life has a natural way of maturing us, forcing ourselves into self-acceptance. As a result of the path I've taken, it's made me attuned to astrology, and I cannot help but think in reference to these archetypal energies that make up this fascinating study. Satisfaction comes from expanded knowledge and fresh observations. New insights are the sparks that inspire steps into the real world.