It's been a hell of a week at work. It's been a while since I've worked a full five days in a row as a substitute. I had a student ask me if we get paid to sub, and I couldn't help but laugh a little.
Of course I get paid. I like working with children, which is why I chose this job over others, but I wouldn't be doing it for my health and well-being.
I've spent my life trying different occupations, never making it with a company past four years, often leaving with a citation of some sort of change in my life I was ready to make. I've always felt I was meant to do something bigger, better, never finding what that is as I eventually realized it was part of who I am.
It's not that easy to simply align yourself with positive vibes and let money flow to you, as some gurus may have you believe. I can attest to being able to manifest resources when I need them, but they never show up the way you think they will, and sometimes the way we receive something changes its impact. Money can show up, but if it's by the hands of a loved one who holds reservations, it may reveal that the desire was never really about money in the first place.
I'm in a funny spot where I want to share about my experiences and outlook on life, knowing it's best to stay positive. Maybe I didn't believe deeply enough, or maybe my purpose is meant to prove you can still create an enjoyable life without being rich.
Or maybe life can really be a drag and the only thing that makes it better talking about it.
I made a desperate attempt to get noticed on social media—an experiment I called it. I figured it was my only shot at not having to work in the real world. I thought I would be good at it, and sort of enjoyed trying trends and playing with different ideas I had. But there is only so much time in a day and energy to expend on different projects, and none of them contributed to a long term plan. My time of being a 'wannabe influencer' is up.
As I've settled into routine and acceptance of my life and reflect on the reality of worst-case scenarios, I imagined TikTok fame, while still having to work. Walking through the halls of schools among the platform's biggest contributors wondering if they'd seen me somewhere. I could imagine the kids in the back of the classroom whispering as they already do, but with certainty they'd seen me. Maybe they even liked one of my rants against the school system, or likely they'd see me as a desperate middle-aged woman trying to be relevant.
Now, it's important to note that my value is not defined by what high school students, or even the younger middle schoolers think of me. However, there is the reality that if a teacher ever became social media famous, it is likely some of the students would find out. And it's undeniable that the situation would somehow create an effect in the classroom. I don't get too personal with the students I interact with. I'm there to do a job, and rarely bring up my personal life with anyone. I prefer to keep it that way.
Of course, had I made money from my hypothetical social media career, I wouldn't have needed to substitute teach to earn a living. Then again, being present in the public schools is one of the only ways I find out what's going on in them, and even the world at large.
I always thought that if I were ever to become famous, it would have to come with a lot of money. When I studied acting and listened to celebrities talk, I believed them. Fame was not fun.
I may not know what it's like, but I understand how much more inconvenient it is if you don't have the resources to escape your reality. Famous people have security guards and drivers to whisk them away from the mobs of people and paparazzi they encounter. Surely social media fame would never be that glamorous.
I had hoped to find a way to become successful through social media and at the time it seemed the only way possible was by being an influencer. I had fun with the idea for awhile, but ultimately I knew it wasn't my path.
I wasn't there to make friends either. You can't get to know someone online that well without a great deal of investment, time, and trust, although I have found a few valuable connections over the years.
Eventually I stopped spending so much time on these platforms, and refocused on my own. Besides, working in the 'real world' gives me something to write about. It can be difficult to create art that resonates with the outside world when you don't interact with it.
I read an article about Taylor Swift the other day. The title caught my eye - "Taylor Swift's obsession with self-mythologizing makes for boring art." I felt the author was too critical of Swift's work, but it was still worth reflecting on.
My awareness of my own self-involvement has me questioning if it's too much. This isn't about dissecting the article but one of the themes was how difficult it is to make meaningful art that people resonate with when everything is about you. I can see how my own content could be viewed as somewhat shallow and self-involved. I want to give more substance to what I create.
I've come a long way from believing social media fame could be my ticket to a life of luxury. I'm not just an artist who expresses how I feel. Part of my work involves helping others and I can't stay connected to the real world if I live in one that most people don't.
As with all my findings, it seems I have to walk that middle ground—the one between the day to day grind and creative realms.