I figured it's best to say I was wrong first thing. I received a pleasant call this morning, and I would be lying if I said I was completely surprised. If you read the last field note entry, you may understand. I have a terrible tendency to assume the worst and I can get a little dramatic in my ways. The job offer I turned down has made its way back around but this time I accepted. This fall, I’ll have my own elementary art classroom as a long-term substitute.
I'm beginning to understand the nuances between intuition, programming, and even illusion. Initially I accepted the offer, but when more details came through, I had to reconsider. It was not easy to go back on my acceptance. My mind got loud, building a case for all the ways the job was wrong for me. There was absolutely a quiet calm underneath that told me they would call me back and I would get the job for the next school year. I ignored that and insisted it was God playing a joke on me, so he set up a job opportunity that looked ideal from the outside.
I wonder if it’s just easier to accept defeat and make a fuss about something than to remain calm and trust that everything will work out for the best. I've been around for forty years now, so I suppose it just takes a while to develop this skill. I've been so used to listening to the voice in my head and reacting to it.
After the initial excitement, ol’ dependable came in with all the ways something would go wrong. I thought about what I said—not the dream job. I even went on about some petty things, like paying for my own background check—and how it was a sure sign it wasn't right for me. Well, the only thing that has changed is the timing—which does affect the pay, which I'm still not convinced I fully understand. But here I am, addressing it. I wanted to just delete the old post, but if I deleted everything I had to reconsider, maybe I wouldn't have much to share.
I suppose the purpose of this entry is to invite you into the world I live in. Maybe you live somewhere similar? Everyone who may read my work should know this about me—I may be wrong, and I can be a little dramatic at times. But sitting in lies kills me inside, even minor ones. So when I shift my perspective, I'll let you know!
The idea of a dream job existing has faded. I've always thought being a movie star must be it. I have to let that sit a minute. It's embarrassing for an adult to say they want to be a movie star, especially as you get older. And I say movie star, not simply an actor, because even though money is not everything, financial matters will most certainly play a role if we are talking about a real dream. And even though movie stars have a lot of problems that come along with their occupation, it still feels like a dream job to me.
A customer who bought some art on the beach gave me kudos for following my dreams once. I laughed and told him I would be in LA trying to be a movie star if I was truly following my dreams. Walking the beaches all day to sell art seems neat I suppose to people who probably work in an office all day and are on vacation, but it was one of the more embarrassing, thankless roles I've had—for the most part.
There were some great encounters though, and I really did enjoy my time with everyone who asked me to stop and share my work and a little bit of my story. I cannot express enough how much those encounters meant to me. It was a great experience that helped me to grow, for sure, and not one that I would take away—but a bit absurd when you really consider the situation.
I don’t take the idea of one perfect dream job seriously anymore. It’s a good topic of discussion for a lighthearted conversation to simply dream up the possibilities of a way to spend your life and earn a living. Things have changed a lot since I was younger, when it was always "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I've thought a lot about how this concept has changed. I was even once corrected by my young niece when I asked her this same tired question we were asked. Rather than responding with a list of occupational roles as I did, she corrected me: “It's not, 'What do you want to be?' It's who do you want to be?”
When I think about career in relation to astrology, I never see one particular occupation, but rather a range of potentials. We call the 10th house the house of career and public reputation. But there are other areas of life that contribute to a career. And you can't stop the transits from bringing change.
I no longer think fulfilling the highest potential of my career means chasing one particular position. My hope is to become the best version of myself—which is a little cliché—but I've found that the only way to do that is by admitting my faults and accepting what is.
So, maybe the new position won't be a dream job, but I do believe it's another step toward developing my career as someone who inspires creativity.
And I won't delete the somewhat negative post from last time. Deleting it would simply be another attempt to control people's perception of me.
Rather, I've had to shift how I think of my writing. I look at it now as little art pieces. An expression of a feeling for a moment or a perception of the world I see at a given time is all it is. And sometimes, the perceptions are skewed.
It is still absolutely part of my nature to share stories and express myself honestly, and hopefully by the end of my time people will know exactly who I was.